I am really confused. Confused as in concerned. Concerned, as in wondering what is happening anymore.

Although, I know why. I know why I am so scared and desperate, but I don't trust myself to believe in it. Because, of course, believing I am right about my current situation would be accepting that there is something wrong. And I don't want something to be wrong. I don't want everything with my life to be destroying itself.

Now if I was mature, I could blame myself. Instead, I'm catching myself blaming everyone else. I'm either in denial, or I don't know what I'm doing wrong. There's no one to blame because there is nothing to blame with.

That, or I'm blind to why all this is happening.

I should care about my friends, I should care about the people I love. I should care about my family.

That's harder than it sounds, anymore -
It's hard to stay attached and to care for people that don't exist.

These past two weeks have been ridiculous. Why? What did I do? Why, all of a sudden, am I not good enough for anyone?

If it was a few people, alright - no big deal.

But this is everyone.


I'm not exaggerating, either.


How many friends can a person have? How likely is it that all of them will disappear, drift away, and leave you in two weeks time?

I'm in shock.
I'm desperate.
I'm overreacting.

I'm a co-dependent emotional mess with no one to care for. No one to care for me.

I'm sure in a couple weeks, people will start showing up again. Start returning my calls, start asking to hang out.
Maybe.
I guess it depends as to why they are distancing themselves from me in the first place. I don't know why, but perhaps they do. Perhaps they have a reason, whether it be conscious or sub-conscious.

Right now, I can't find anyone to talk to.
Anyone to convince me I'm still sane. Someone to convince me that I'm not a burden to be around.

I still have acquaintances, of course. People that might read this and take a second to feel sympathy.

But deep down, they don't care. All the people that cared are gone.

All the people I've cared for, recently, have taken advantage of it.

I've only been single for what, two weeks? Three weeks?

It's the first time I've been single in 5 years. It's a weird feeling, not having someone you can fall back on, whether they be your lover or a good friend.

There's a huge crushing feeling. There's being scared. Scared because you feel unwanted. You feel unworthy. That, or you're scared to hang out with people because you know you're a burden.

You know there's someone they'd rather be hanging out with. Someone they'd rather be dating. Someone they'd rather be spending their precious minutes of their pointless life with.

And that's why you'll never satisfy. You'll never be good enough. There's always someone better than you.

I'm alone, and it's just now setting in.